41 thoughts every parent has when supermarket shopping with a toddler

Don’t you just love supermarket shopping with a toddler? There is no joy deeper than entering the hallowed turf of Tesco et al with a tiny person in tow. It makes me feel truly blessed as a parent and is a real highlight of my week.

HA.

41 thoughts I had today while doing the supermarket shop with my toddler:

1. OK, let’s get this over with.
2. Here’s a lovely big trolley with a seat in it. This’ll keep her safely contained.
3. No, you can’t push the trolley.
4. Please don’t have a tantrum in the entrance to Sainsbury’s. OK, OK you can push the damn trolley.
5. But not into that elderly lady.
6. And not into that man either.
7. Actually, I’ll push the trolley.
8. Is this over yet?
9. Right, veg, veg veg. What veg will she eat? Broccoli? Let’s turn this into a game! Can you find the broccoli? Where’s the broccoli?
10. Check me out, Super Mum right here. Got a toddler who eats broccoli AND a winning game to keep her occupied round the supermarket. Everyone wants to be me. I could write a parenting book I’m so good.
11. No we don’t say “Broccoli smells like pooh”. No we don’t chuck it on the floor. NO YOU CAN’T PUSH THE BLOODY TROLLEY.
12. Maybe not a parenting book then.
13. I could write a book about how much I hate shopping with a two year old though.
14. That would be a LONG book.
15. Chapter one: supermarkets hate parents. It’s so obvious. The way they move their stock around so we can’t find anything and have to run up and down the aisles. It’s like they want to prolong the pain.
16. OK, where was I? Veg. Carrots? Shall I chance it? Yes I’ll get creative with some carrots. Cut them up into a bunny face or something. No the carrot doesn’t smell like pooh! It’s yummy! Yummy, yummy carrot. Oh why do I bother?
17. Onto the dairy. Cheese. No you can’t have cheese right now. Because it’s to go in the trolley. WATCH THE OLD LADY! OK I’m taking over the trolley pushing.
18. Oh shit I forgot the bananas. Back we go.
19. How is a person supposed to think when in control of a toddler with trolley road rage? I can barely read my list, let alone work out where everything is.
20. Why the hell didn’t we just do an online shop?
21. I hate my husband right now.
22. I can’t believe he’s not here experiencing this pain himself.
23. This is all his fault. It’s totally his fault. Even though it’s got nothing to do with him and he’s minding his own business at work it’s his fault. I am so cross with him right now.
24. Suck it up. It’s just one shop and one toddler. Where are we now? Cereal. Brilliant. We’re on the home stretch.
25. Crap, the biscuit aisle. Sing a song to distract her! What’s wrong with you? Why can you only think to sing Despacito when under pressure?
26. Ah the wine aisle. My favourite. I’ll just have a little look. No, don’t take the wine off the shelf. No, leave it there. No, don’t use the trolley as a battering ram for the beer bottles. No no no no no.
27. I hate my life.
28. I hate this supermarket.
29. Right, the till. What? You want to get IN the trolley now? Couldn’t you have done that an hour ago?! Typical.
30. Ah yes you’re right, my toddler is SO cute and SUCH a good girl helping mummy. I just love it when she helps mummy put all the shopping on the conveyer belt. Yes you’re right, it’s so hilarious when she tries to get on it herself too. HA HA HA HA. Just keep the fixed grin on and no one will know you’re dying inside.
31. At what point is it acceptable to open that bottle of wine after we get home?
32. Oh but look, she is being very cute. Oh go on then, just one quick photo. What shall I caption it with when I put it on Facebook? “Mummy’s little helper” or “Feeling so blessed right now”? Hmmmm….
33. Oh crap. No darling don’t put the bread at the bottom of the bag with all the baked beans on top! It’s OK! Mummy’s got it!
34. Right, we’re nearly there. Just need to do some tactical distraction to get past the flashing toy car ride expertly positioned by the exit in order to tip stressed parents over the edge.
35. YOU GO GIRL. You are SO good at this mum thing. Not one single tantrum past the flashing car that costs a million pounds a go. SCREW YOU MR SUPERMARKET MANAGER. You didn’t break me this time!
36. OK, so the car’s right over…
37. OH MY GOD MY CAR’S BEEN STOLEN.
38. Who shall I call? The police? The supermarket manager? This is karma. I’m sorry Mr Supermarket manager! I don’t hate you really!
39. Oh. Yeah. So I just parked it in a different place. No sweat. Totally styled that out. Don’t think anyone noticed my mini meltdown. Totally fine.
40. Into the car. Please please please let there be no car seat tantrum today.
41. And we’re done. Never ever ever again. Ever. Until next week when we inevitably run out of food and forget to do an online shop.