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Sometimes I feel like a kettle.
Not just any kettle, but one of those old ones. The ones that sit on the hob and make a loud whistling noise when the water’s hot enough for a cup of tea.
Yesterday was a typical Kettle Day.
I have to describe it like that, as it’s the only way I can think of what happened last night without getting upset. It wasn’t funny at the time.
I was tired, my daughter was tired, we were both tired.
Having been up for work since 3.30am and only having my usual 5/6 hours sleep, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to deal with the hugest tantrum known to man. This tantrum lasted from 4pm until 5.40pm.
And when I say tantrum, I’m talking the works.
Not just screams and the constant pull on my shirt with, “Mummy, mummy, MUUUMMMY!” as I tried to dish up a hot supper. But the throwing of said dinner across the room with shrieks of “YOGHURT! NOW!”
I didn’t recognise my gorgeous child. Tiredness had taken her and replaced her with something else.
Her face was red, angry. The screams were so loud I could see people outside on the pavement walking past our dining room and looking round, trying to work out where the noise was coming from.
I stayed calm. On the surface. Expecting my husband through the door any minute I took the food away and began to run a bath.
Still with an angry, screaming child hanging off me, trying to ignore my constantly bleeping phone telling me yet more emails were waiting to be dealt with, I took a deep breath.
Still no husband.
With the bath ready, I attempted to strip off my daughter and sing her a song to distract from the noise coming out of her mouth. As I took off her t’shirt she launched herself at me. Hitting, scratching, shouting, “NO MUMMY! NO MUMMY! NO MUMMY!”
Remember that kettle? It’s getting hotter and hotter.
Still no husband.
Resigned to doing bathtime by myself, I tackled the gravy in my daughter’s hair, while she lunged at my face and cried and cried and cried. Still the phone is bleeping.
I can feel myself getting smaller and smaller. The kettle is starting to whistle.
I sing to my distraught and angry toddler as I dry her hair and retrieve her pyjamas. And as I attempt to get a nappy on her, the kettle shrieks.
My husband is still not home. At this particular moment, on this particular day, as I battle my early start and constant work deadlines, bleeping phone and angry angry angry child, this feels like the end of the world.
The task of getting a nappy on my little girl rises before me like a huge mountain. It’s a battle that can’t be won.
And I lose it.
I shout, “STOP” over and over again as my daughter throws herself at me. Biting and pinching and scratching.
The phone bleeps.
And I see myself. On the floor of my toddler’s room. Exhausted. Broken. Shouting.
And I hate myself.
And I cry. Great, heaving sobs.
And I throw the nappy to the other side of the room and just sit there, looking at my daughter in between the tears, while she looks back at me.
Tears coursing down our faces. Drained.
And at that moment, my daughter shuffles over to me and puts her arms around me. She’s not crying any more. She just kisses my cheek and strokes my arm.
The nappy goes on. We read a story together. We sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and bedtime is over, just like that.
No fuss. No getting out of bed. No calling, “Mummy, mummy, mummy”. Just peace.
So, just as my husband walks through the door, I slump.
Feeling like I’ve failed at motherhood today and been beaten by work, I take myself to bed at 6pm.
The phone bleeps.
And I fall asleep.
You didn’t fail. You had a shit day, so did your daughter and it’s going to happen again. The thing is how you move on from this, do you wallow or do you realise I was doing the best I could?
I say you did the best you could, it might not have been the best you wanted but it was what you could manage and that is what is important.
Hugs.
I love that way of looking at it. Guess I should stop beating myself up about it. Definitely need to just accept it was yesterday and today is a new one.
Hard isn’t it. Unconditional love always wins in the end. On both sides.
Hope today is a better day for you.
CJ x
It is hard. Blooming hard. But you’re right. Thanks for the comment CJ.
awww hun, just be careful you don’t burn out. Your hours are so harsh and to keep going all afternoon aswell would beat most people. Take care of yourself. Can’t you get a couple of afternoons where you could have a sleep? big hugs.
I wish! It’s not so much the mornings or afternoons that get me. It’s the evenings of working too. I’m fine if I’ve had enough sleep. And, generally, I feel lucky that I get to put in that many hours to do work I love AND spend all afternoon with Frog. Just not yesterday! xx
I never really had a tantrumming toddler but I remember having a toddler who would not sleep for me – although she’d sleep like a dream for the nanny. I remember sobbing on the floor, while she screamed in the cot, and listening to my Mum on the other end of the phone line telling me Flea was fine, and whatever happened, not to pick her up. She was right, but it was horrible.
It happens.
My Mum – who’s pretty much the smartest person I know – said a couple of things that stuck with me. The most important one is that you feel what you feel. There’s no point giving yourself a hard time for feeling it, or feeling like it’s ‘wrong’ or being a ‘bad mum’. It’s just what you feel – and it does no harm whatsoever for kids to see that grown ups sometimes get frustrated, or sad, or angry. Sometimes it might just be enough to stop them in their tracks. And afterwards you can just say, “Mummy was feeling very angry because you were hitting me, but I feel better now,” and you’re actually being a GREAT Mum by showing your child it’s okay to have difficult or negative feelings, and cry or shout, and then move past it.
So – basically – we’ve all been there and you’re clearly a great Mum. Hope today’s a better day.
Thanks Sally. And that’s great advice. The tears actually stopped her hitting me – even though my mind wasn’t in a clear enough place to have planned that. Even if I’d have tried to stop it all gushing out at that point, I don’t think I could have. So it’s good to know that she may not be scarred for life because of it!
I hate days like that and had one of my own yesterday. Hubby only sees them calm and ready for bed and doesn’t appreciate the battles – you’re doing a fab job!! Chin up, tomorrow is another day x x
My chin is well and truly up. Thank you xx
Molly! You’re a great mum, and great at your job. One crap day. Been there, done it. x
Sounds like an awful day. Bedtime battles are so tough especially when your exhausted yourself and dealing with a tired toddler. Sending lots of hugs your way and I hope today is better day for you. x x x
Oh lovely, busy, tired girl, we’ve all been there, I promise. A saint would struggle with that kind of tantrum and you kept your cool for over an hour. Well done. It always seems that when we are at our tiredest and lowest, they are the same and it’s not a good combination.
I really just want to tell you not to be too hard on yourself. You are human and sometimes you will lose your temper. It’s OK. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You did the right thing by going to bed. A recharge is just what you need. x
You’re so right about that. Tired mum and tired toddler do not a happy match make!
Oh yes, I sooooo feel your pain. The thing is that kids only kick off like that when we are at the end of our tether – so with me being at the end of mine, there’s been lots from both of mine recently.
It’s like they are screaming at us ‘Don’t ignore the fact that you are tired, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT’ – and they make sure that they make it so bad we have to do something.
One tip I would give to you is not to try to engage with them when they are tantruming – don’t try to cajole her, leave the gravy, and just try to step away. She can go to bed a bit dirty, and eat extra for breakfast if she wakes up hungry.
I actually think that you did really well yesterday, because you taught her to step aside from her narcissistic toddler tendencies and think of someone else. It wouldn’t be good for our kids if we never shouted or screamed – because at least when we do it they know that we love them. They will be shouted and screamed at one day, and will be better able to cope with it, if their security levels are strong. I’m not saying we should purposely shout at them, just that it’s not all bad when we do.
Are you getting enough help – do you need to add some more support it, like cleaners or something?
Big hugs hun, here’s to both of us perking up over the next couple of weeks xxx
Great advice Lisa. And in all honestly, I probably do need more support. A cleaner, nanny, chef, etc etc. But we’re trying so hard to save money for a deposit for our mortgage that I begrudge paying out on things I can do myself (in theory!). Plus it would be wasted money as the place just becomes a tip straight away – you know what kids are like! xx
honey, what point a mortgage if you’ve gone mad by the time you’ve got one? I promise a couple of hours (when I can find a bloody cleaner who can clean and is reliable and can speak english!) takes a huge weight off the shoulders.
If not cleaning – maybe a massage/reflexology with a local mum every fortnight to give you an energy boost?
Or a little old lady to help with childcare a couple of times a week like my 73yr old?
Don’t got mad for a house!
Ooh, the reflexology idea sounds good to me. And maybe I’ll go mad and book myself in for a hair appointment too at some point. So hard remembering to put myself higher up the list of things to think about though! x
You are categorically and absolutely in no way shape or form a failure. It sounds like you had a crap day and I totally understand why you ended up feeling like you did. But it does happen. Tiredness +toddlers is not a recipe made in heaven. And I do think that Toddlers and children in general benefit from realising that you can shout too, get angry too, are not always capable of holding back. And I always apologise for shouting at them. And I do a fair bit of apologising
It makes me feel so much better to know that others have been there and done that. Thank you for taking the time to share such a lovely comment. x
This is the well-kept secret our own Mothers never told us… Being a mother is very very hard… It truly is at times a thankless task. Hope you slept well x
The sleep was incredible. I felt so much better this afternoon for it. It made me realise how much easier things are when you’ve had more than 5 hours sleep! Thanks Caroline. x
You did not fail, you are a good mum!
Hope today is a better day x
Thank you – blown over by the internet support today! x
You haven’t failed!!! You have won. Well that battle at least.
Your daughter saw that she was upsetting you and that she pushed you just that bit too fair. I think it is good for our children to see us get upset. Not just angry and shouting, my kids see that everyday (blush). But upset, emotional. Crying if needs be.
Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving yesterday. And ask that your husband does bathtime tomorrow and Sunday and allows you some time to yourself.
Ah, what bliss. I don’t think that’ll ever happen! Looking back, I agree. It probably wasn’t such a bad thing for her to see she’d brought me so low.
This made me cry because I’ve been there lots of times. Why is it that their bad days so ofen coincide with ours. She went to bed happy so it all worked out alright. Sometimes all you can do is get through the day.
That is SO true. And sometimes that’s bloody hard!
I just want to give both my special girls a hug and tell you I love you. I think I must have been quite cruel when you had some giant tantrums as I locked you out in the garden to calm down, hoping that you wouldn’t be able to come to any harm. Remember how I was so tired through lack of sleep and told a child in the medical room that she must be feeling better now it was lunch time so she would vacate the only bed in the school and I could grab half an hour’s kip? You are doing a brilliant job in every way, Love ma x
Love you Mum. xxx
You’re not alone there. Everyone has days like this… it’s horrible, isn’t it?
The thing is, I think it’s a good thing for a child to see his/her mum at breaking point sometimes. They learn from it. Mummy can only be pushed so far. Even you aren’t invincible, though to them, we seem that way don’t we?
Sending you hugs, wine, and chocolate. xxx
Gratefully received. Thank you. And yes, I think you’re very right. x
you broke a lot later than i would or have done.. and i recommend a moment’s time out – for the mother – give yourself a second and ask YOURSELF the questions you ask the baby – hungry? thirsty? tired? (scrub that last one – always tired). Just check and then at least address one of your needs first before you go back into the fray – tea/water/bar of chocolate – whatever you need – but focus on it – don’t snatch it as you zoom past and angrily bolt it down.
That’s bloody brilliant advice. Thank you. I NEVER ask these questions. Too often I’m left desperate for a wee because I’ve needed one for about an hour but haven’t had time to go! I should probably try and address that issue. x
What people do not tell you is parting is like being bi-polar. It is either all great or all horrid. There is no in between, no happy medium. I have been where you are and in some ways when Mini tantrums I still am.
I think that lack of sleep is a killer, some where and some how you need to find a way to get a little more sleep. Everything looks bright with more sleep
You couldn’t be more right. Lack of sleep is the worst. I’m surviving on less sleep now than I was when F was still a baby, what with all my work commitments. Going to try and prioritise my time in a better way so I have more time for sleep.
I think we’ve all been there. I remember a similar scene on holiday with my son, who, when I finally burst into tears, came over and kissed me all over my face, which broke my heart. Toddlers are testing creatures, especially when you’re worn out, and they know exactly which buttons to press. I hope today is a better day.
They’re so clever at pressing buttons aren’t they?! Today has been a much better day. Sleep is a huge factor I think. For both of us.
we really all do have days like this and they are bloody horrible but you do move on. I used to hate these things happening, they didn’t happen a lot but when they did it was like a tornado. Isla did them mostly out of the home though and then I got angry because of the embarrassment. I found that distraction worked really well – something completely fantastical, like saying ‘Oh look I just saw a flying dinosaur out the window’ – another blogger told me this I can’t remember who. She’d stop whining and being angry and seriously look out that window for the flying dinosaur. I also have to say though that I told my best friend to do this with her son and he completely freaked out and was sh!t scared of the imaginary dinosaur!! LOL! big hugs xxx
Ha – I can imagine a flying dinosaur being a bit of a scary concept! Distraction works in most cases with F, but last night she was beyond it – as was I! x
Ah bless you love – we have all been there, tired and shattered and just not able to deal with yet another tantrum, or yet another moment of not listening. If it makes you feel any better, and I hope it does; I was there this week too. And my little boy went to get me a muslin to wipe away the tears, so I cried all the more! Sometimes things just get on top of you, and actually a good old cry does you the world of good. And I do believe it does them the world of good to see you like that too – it just makes them realise that its not all a breeze life, there are sometimes that things really don’t just work out. Big big hugs, and she’ll do something fabulous for you soon, and it’ll all be OK
It’s such a comforting thing to know others have been in the same boat and I’m not the failure I felt last night. Thank you for taking the time to comment. x
Not sure why this appeared twice – do delete one…perhaps it was coz I am sending double sympathy?!!?
What a rotten day for you both (((hugs))) You are absolutely not a failure; a failure wouldn’t care and your little girl definately wouldn’t have come over a given you a hug. They are the best hugs, the ones they give from their own little hearts.
Any mother who says she hasn’t had a day like this is telling huge porkies, someone really, really NEEDS to write an honest parenting book because the baby books don’t come close to the reality.
If it’s any consolation; teenies have very short memories and I can bet you a large G&T that your little lovely wont ever remember when she’s a big girl xxx
They really are the best hugs – and totally unexpected. xx
This is me every day for the last few weeks a the moment, T won’t stop all day long and I’m constantly shattered and at this time of day, 5.30pm I’m counting down the minutes until she is in bed, I do bathtime and get her to bed on my own most days, it is the exception if my husband is back from work on time for that. T doesn’t hit me or scratch but she throws herself on the floor in such a fashion that I am scared for her safety sometimes. Where do they get the energy from? I feel like there is a huge cloud in my brain at the moment and I am struggling to keep on top of everything, work included. I have been writing about this as well on my blog. It did make me feel a bit better when I finally decided to hit publish and got lots of lovely advice, I’m going to read carefully all the comments here as they might be of help. I hope this phase will pass for both of us soon, I think not seeing the end of it makes it worse.
That’s absolutely one of the hardest things isn’t it? That and not knowing when it could all kick off. When F’s tired and playing up, I sometimes feel like I’m walking on egg shells waiting for the next tantrum to hit, hoping it won’t be a biggie. But last night I was that tired there was nothing left to give. Hence the tears. I hope for both us (me and you) that this phase passes – or at least we learn some better coping strategies!
Oh goodness, I have those days!!! And I don’t even get up at 3:30am!!!!!! I hear you. And is isn’t it weird, that when we break, our little ones stop and become normal people again? Why do they need to break us first???? So strange.
I do hope the rest of your week was better!!!
Hugs & cookies.
Maggy
It makes me feel a million times better to know the Craft Queen herself, has days like this. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Maggy. Cookies and hugs gratefully received. xx
Oh lovely, this happens. And tiredness is a bitch, and makes it happen more than normal. The Boy and I had a little ‘set-to’ this afternoon as we were both tired and late getting him down for his nap. I ended up shouting at him and crying while he was crying. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug and I hugged him back. I don’t want to be a shouty mum, I hated it. It happens, don’t beat yourself up.
Don’t those hugs just melt you? Hope you’re OK now. x
It’s kind of nice to read others who suffer this and that I’m not the only one who has bad days the same day as my son has a bad day and I end up screaming with tears rolling down my face. But also not so nice to read that any of us suffer like this and one thing we must remember is: WE ARE NOT FAILURES.
I hope you are feeling a little better now. Sending e-hugs your way!
Gratefully received. Thank you. And yes, shared experience somehow makes it easier to deal with. At the time I hated myself, but seeing that others have been / are there too makes it easier to be less hard on myself. Thank you for your comment.
Oh blimey…we’ve all been there and if we say we haven’t I suspect we are wearing rose tinted spectacles/are suffering from memory loss/are telling whoppers! I’m really impressed you kept your cool for so long. Four children in (and now dealing with teens and tweens strops) I have become a walker rather than a shouter. My daughter and I are both quite firey and if I join in with the shouting or crying it just stokes her and things get ten times worse! Walking away gives me time to get my emotions in check so that I can deal with her more calmly…but it wasn’t always this way, oh no! I think it’s really important that children see that there are limits to how much their parents will put up with and that grown ups have feelings too…it helps them to deal with all those difficult emotions and feelings later on. There is nothing wrong with a shout, a few tears or walking away – and why, WHY do husbands walk in when it’s all calm and sorted? Are they fitted with a tantrum radar?
“Tantrum radar” – love that! I think I’m going to try the walking away technique next time. It sounds like it works!
Not sure I can add to what has been said, but this moments happen, moments you wish you could take back immediately but can’t. But thankfully these moments should be the exception and ones you will forget very quickly. I was worn out the other day after a dreadful nights sleep and Matilda decided to throw a whole bowl of cereal over me in a strop. So I shouted, very loudly, FOR FUCKS SAKE. God I felt like a tit. But it doesn’t make us bad parents, it just shows what we go through to make sure our children are looked after.
It’s so good to hear I’m not the only one who’s been there – you’re right, it’s horrible, but those moments can happen unfortunately.
Oh molls I am late catching up, have all been there, and you write it very well, I describe my “moments” as shaking up a bottle of lemonade and leaving the top on and letting the bubbles fight to get out.
Being a mum is hard work, kids are irrational, but oh so lovely as well,
Love ya x
You’re so right. As always. xx
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