As Frog is only 13 months old, her vocabulary isn’t particularly wide at the moment. She’s got to grips with “Mummy” and “Daddy” and “Gagaga”, “Bababa” and “Eeeeeeeeeeee”. But that’s about it. Nothing hugely amusing, I think you’ll agree.

But yet again, the (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine has stepped up to the plate. Where his daughter has failed, he has taken up the mantle.

Now, before I go on, I should probably explain that, despite what follows, the NLM is rather intelligent. He’s a teacher and is in fact responsible for imparting his knowledge on many unsuspecting teenagers. A job which he does brilliantly. But his forte is computers and graphic design stuff (he can also play the Clarinet incredibly well, but he’d kill me for telling you this), not words.

As a journalist and English Literature graduate, words are my thing. I can’t add up for toffee and I’m rubbish at anything even slightly technical, but I like to think I have a reasonable grip on the English language (unless I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, in which case speaking actual words becomes almost impossible and I prefer to simply make noises instead).

So you’ll understand when I was a little disappointed at the NLM’s basic error during this recent conversation…

NLM: Wow, we’re getting married in less than three weeks – three weeks!

Me: Yup. I know. There’s still so much to do.

NLM: It’s going to be great though, isn’t it? I mean, we’re going to have a brilliant day.

Me: If I survive the next two weeks of working and arranging all the last minute things I still have to do. Yes, it’ll be a great day.

NLM: Yeah, but you know what I can’t wait for…(*rubs hands together gleefully*)

Me: What?

NLM: I can’t wait to cremate the marriage – it’s going to be so good.

Me: Er, what did you say?

NLM: You never listen to me! I said – I can’t wait to cremate the marriage. Cremating the marriage with you is going to be brilliant. We’ll be getting all close and stuff as a proper married couple. Oh yeah, cremating that marriage is something I’m really looking forward to.

Me: Are you sure you mean “cremate”?

NLM: Oh no, sorry, I didn’t mean “cremate”. I meant “consume”. I can’t wait to consume our marriage. I’m really looking forward to it.

What can I say? I’m such a lucky girl…

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