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childcare, development, guilt, Parenting, speech, toddlers, working mother
The child I know.
When I look at Frog, I see a happy, fun, incredibly independent little girl. I don’t see a toddler that can’t do what other toddlers can.
But when I collected her from the childminder’s today, that wasn’t the case.
Although my nearly-22 month old was beyond excited to see me, the childminder said she’d spent most of the day watching from the sidelines. Because she can’t walk yet like all the other kids, she’s often happy on her own in the corner, reading a book. That’s not what bothers me so much as the next thing the childminder observed: she’s not talking. At all.
Now, this surprises me, because the little girl I know – the one who I spend all my time with at home – doesn’t shut up.
This is the Frog that my neighbours know, the Frog that chases (or attempts to chase) the boys and dogs and cats that live in our little close. This is the Frog that wanders into the next door neighbour’s garden (granted, still holding my hand) and helps herself to a toy, pair of shoes and the trampoline, all the while calling to her favourite friend “Arrfuur“.
She’s certainly not quiet.
But she’s not like that when I’m not around, apparently. Or at least, not at the childminder’s anyway. There, she holds her hands in front of her face when a stranger enters the room. She’s silent most of the time, only uttering the occasional word under her breath.
When I proudly reeled off the latest developments in her speech – attempts at counting, animal noises and colour recognition – the childminder looked at me blankly. “She doesn’t do any of that here”, she said.
So I’m worrying.
As every other working mum I know, I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing going off to work every morning. I’m only spending afternoons with her. Is this wrong? I’m wondering if she’s unhappy at the childminder’s, or if she just had an off day today and needs to settle back in after the Easter holidays.
I’m worrying that she doesn’t like it there and would be better off at nursery. I’m worrying that she’s got problems socialising with other kids. I’m worrying that she’s shy and that this will hold her back later in life.
I’m worrying. Nonsensical worrying. Damned worrying.
Tell me this is normal.
200% normal. Lots of happy confident kids are “selective mute” with childminders/in settings. Joseph goes to preschool and he was for ages. I was actually asked if he could speak, and they were concerned about his speech and wanted a SALT (speech and language therapy) consult. My HV just laughed, she knows him well and he talks her half to death.
I know parenthood is one constant worry, but she is normal, totally.
This has made me feel much better, thank you Kylie. I guess it’s because she’s normally such a lively, vocal little girl, that to hear she’s not speaking at all at the childminder’s is surprising.
I think this is normal. H doesn’t stop talking at home, but is noticeably quieter if we are at a friends house. I also know of lots of children who don’t talk as much at nursery as they do at home. I think its a confidence thing.
Ultimately though, I think nursery did Z and S ( who did 2 days from age 1 ) a lot of good and increased their confidence. I definitely think coming from that environment made Z’s transition to school easier, its good for them to be away from us sometimes and build relationships with other people.
I’m not saying nursery is better than a childminder by the way, i just mean for them being outside the home generally.
H is at home with me all the time, but if I had the money I would put her in nursery for a least one day for the reason above.
Don’t feel guilty, you are doing what is best for your family. Of course if you think Frog is unhappy it might be worth looking at another setting? but I reckon the talking thing is normal…maybe just give it a few weeks???
Hugs xx
Thank you for such a detailed and lovely comment Emma. We’re thinking about putting her in nursery a couple of mornings a week from September onwards, depending on what my work situation is then. It’s a great setting at the childminder’s because there are lots of toys and lots of children, but I think a different non-home setting may do her good for a couple of mornings a week when she’s a bit older (and walking). We shall see…
I’d say its something to do with the childminders, whether its the other children or the atmosphere or something, it’s not quite right. I’d ask them what they do to help her interact with them and the other children, and if they think there is anything you can do. Saying that though it’s their job to encourage Frog to develop whilst she is there so you need to know if they aren’t doing that. If you don’t get answers you are happy with then I’d be looking for another childminder or a nursery.
To be honest, I think that it’s a case of her being at home with her dad for a couple of weeks over the Easter hols (he’s a teacher) and her just re-settling in again. Before Easter she did come out of her shell and seemed really happy there. But I agree that possibly getting her into a nursery for a couple of mornings a week when she’s a bit older will be good for her – even if I’m working from home by then.
My son never stops talking at home. He’s camp and clownish and has family in fits, but at school (and before that at nursery) he’s almost totally silent. I was the same, so much so my mother had to take me out of nursery at one point and have quiet words with the head at my primary school. I think it’s fairly common for kids, when out of the security of the family home, to be overcome with reserve. I imagine that a good childminder should be able to ascertain whether she is contented in her quiet corner, or whether there is a real issue of fear or unhappiness.
You are so very wise. I couldn’t speak to my mum about this last night but I’m pretty sure she would have told me what you have written right here. Thank you!
It’s a toughie.
My son is a talker – but less so at nursery, occasionally they remark how chatty he’s been – as if it’s unusual. I put it down to a busy environment.
the childminder is different, he is in someone’s home, he’s been going since he was 9 months old, it’s much more individual, it’s a small group.
I think the child minder should be doing more to boost her confidence, to encourage her to chat and join in. It’s not about whether she walks or not and that won’t bother the other children or her – it’s about encouraging her in from the sidelines and engaging her and engaging her with the other and encouraging the others to engage with her. Yes, there will be days when she fancies sitting on the sidelines but that shouldn’t become her norm – because clearly that’s not her.
Gosh – is this really unhelpful??!!! Soz.
Ha, no it’s not unhelpful – thank you! I think that yesterday was probably a bit of a strange day too as there were more older children about because it was inset day. Also, there’s the whole re-settling in thing after the Easter hols at home with her dad. To be fair, the childminder is really lovely and I’d rather know the truth about what F’s like when I’m not there. Doesn’t stop me worrying though!
I wouldn’t normally comment on these subjects, as I don’t feel I’m ‘qualified’ to, however my honest opinion is that you should listen to your instincts on this one; if the fun loving, chatty, outgoing girl you enjoy so much at home isn’t the same one you pick up from the childminders, something’s not right.
Of course children’s personalities can alter in different scenarios and environments but only to a degree. Plus one of the main reasons I’m sure you chose a childminders over a nursery was for that ‘homely’ setting, one she should recognise, feel comfortable in, and enjoy, as she does her own home. It shouldn’t feel like a strange place, one where she can’t be ‘herself’.
A good friend of mine recently sent her child to primary school and within months she didn’t recognise the child she was picking up from school. So, she changed schools, and within weeks, the bright, bubbly, happy, chatty, confident little girl bounded out of the school gates.
No-one can tell you whether this is ‘normal’ as no two children are the same but if you believe something’s not right, go with your gut and change it xx
Thank you so much for the advice Sam. I think she was just having an off day yesterday. I’ll be keeping my eye on it though. The idea of her not speaking at all is strange to me as the child I know doesn’t stop chattering!
Its perfectly normal to worry. I remember when my son was a day care I was constantly monitoring him for signs to changes that would indicate that he was not happy. However he was fine. Of course they would be happier beginning with us but being at day care in a safe environment is good for them to learn to socialise and build confidence. I’m not at work as it did not work out for me, Angelo kept getting sick most likely because up until then he’d not been in contact with other kids much.
As yourself if the child minder did not say what she said would you question your daughter’s happiness? As her mother you would know if she wasn’t happy. If in doubt observe how she acts when you drop her off and collect, perhaps if you can just drop in unannounced to see how she is coping. And as you say perhaps having you all of Easter and the break in her usual routine may have been a shock.
Ah, if only I could pop in on her. I’m 45 minutes away at work and, because of my early hours, my husband drops her off in the mornings. Anyway, she was fine today so I think she just needed to resettle after the Easter hols. I hope so anyway!
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Yes!! Z is exactly like that!! I got so worried at first because he used to actually cry in thr company of other babies and i’d feel guilty i wasn’t taking him to enough baby groups or interactive sessions. He’s still v v quiet outside until he’ 100% sure of them (that can take a good couple of weeks) and then he might start babbling to them!
From the comments on here and F’s later settling in, I’m now thinking this is completely normal! Thank you x
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