In a few days I will turn 32 years old. It’s an age where many of my friends are starting to get married, settle down, have kids. And many others are beginning new chapters in their lives, as newly single parents. I guess we became a mum and dad quite young by today’s standards: 26 and 29 respectively. We were fresh with the optimism of new love, shared hopes for the future and the relief that we’d met someone we felt sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.
All of those things still hold true today, except we’re not so fresh. I’m almost 32 and the NLM turned 35 just over a week ago. Not old by any stretch of the imagination, but not the young, possibly naive “happily ever after” couple we once were.
I still believe in marriage. My parents have been married for 40 years and they’re still going strong. They enjoy each other’s company, go on adventures together, take on shared projects and still make each other laugh just as much as I ever remember them to. They are happy. They are a good example of what I hope for my own marriage forty years down the line.
However, let’s not lie to ourselves: marriage can be tough. Routines, work and picking someone else’s socks off the floor can kill the romance dead. Add kids to the mix and it’s no wonder so many relationships don’t work out.
Without wishing to splurge my internal guts all over the internet, the past year has been hard for us as a couple. A baby who doesn’t sleep, intense work pressure for both of us, squeezed time and – for me – a pressure to live a perfect bloggable, instagrammable life, has – at times – clawed deep under the fingernails and skin to leave fraught emotions. We’ve shouted at each other more this year than we ever have before. Often at 3am, when we’re both at our rawest, tiredest, wildest selves.
But there have been many moments of joy in between the angst. And now, as Baby Girl finally starts to let us get our evenings back, we’re finally starting to find each other as a couple again. There have been times over the past year when it’s felt like days since I last properly spoke to the NLM. Sure, I know what’s up with his work. But I don’t know the things that made him laugh that day, the songs he’s discovered on the radio on the way to work, the thoughts he’s had when he’s listened to the news, the sense of satisfaction when a child he’s taught has had a “lightbulb moment”. In short, we’ve both been guilty of going through the motions. “How was your day?” “Fine, so and so said this, but no biggie” “OK, help me do bedtime”.
I might break the internet with this cheesy exclamation, and I’ll probably delete it before I publish this post but: I love my husband. I love him more than when I married him. More than when we both brought our first daughter into this world. More than when he brought me home the chocolate I like from the supermarket last week. I feel lucky.
Making It Work, for us, has always been about finding a space in the day – or the week – to spend time together. We both love music, so our ideal night is a bottle of wine (me), beers (him) and Spotify. We can literally lose hours this way. We’ll take the piss out of each other, show each other funny shit we found on YouTube that day (me, mainly) and have little moments when we just look at each other and grin. Those nights were sorely lacking when I had a newborn who wanted to be attached to my boob every 20 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, those days were special – both of us sitting on the sofa, exhausted, passing the baby between us with a resigned smile – but it’s rather nice to finally be finding each other again.
I’m not sure if there’s an ultimate point to this post. Probably not. I guess it’s about sharing what makes us work as a couple. It’s nothing revelatory: communication, understanding, laughter and TIME TOGETHER, just the two of us. Pretty much what’s kept my parents’ marriage going for the past 40 years then.
I don’t believe in the “perfect relationship” just like I don’t believe in the “perfect life”. Show me any couple and I’ll bet they have a whole host of secret irritations they harbour over each other. Instagram and blogging and Facebook and Perfection Internetdom do not always help this. I’m definitely guilty of comparing my life to an unrealistic, filtered view of other people’s (“I love my hubby” etc etc). Predictably, these updates often enter my stream just as I’m picking up a pair of the NLM’s dirty pants and plonking them in the washing basket.
Still, we’re neither of us perfect – because “perfect” doesn’t exist remember?! – but I wouldn’t change what I have for every bottle of Sauvignon Blanc in the world. He’s still my best friend, my constant source of laughter (even if he doesn’t mean to be) and my partner in navigating this often tricky role of being a parent.
A belated happy anniversary NLM. And an early happy birthday to me!
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I love this post!
It’s probably a bit vom. But, you know…
I totally get this and we are even more squeezed at the moment with OH having a new job. We literally speak for ten mins between work and kids. Adjusting to 3 has been really hard. I agree it’s really important to remind yourself why you like each other, but I also believe that when you know your relationship is strong, it’s ok to let it go a bit. To understand that it’s still strong but it’s not the highest priority right *now*.
Also, those ‘I love my husband’ statues? I don’t buy them. It’s weird to keep needing to say how much you love each other on social media. I’m convinced that something is lacking. Then again I don’t do PDA’s!
We don’t do PDA’s either! I absolutely get what you’re saying about allowing it to go a bit. I guess that’s where we’ve been for the past year. We found the transition from 1 to 2 quite a challenge, so I can totally relate to what you say about the 2 to 3 thing. In all honesty, it’s a large part of the reason we feel we may be done at two!
Aw!! Happy early birthday – and – SUCH a lovely post x
Thanks Kiran! x
Great post! It’s very hard to not lose yourselves as parents and remember why you got to this point in the first place. Thank you for sharing x
It really is, but worth trying for! x
Happy anniversary!! Parenthood is flippin hard and juggling the million and one things that come with marriage and raising children all at once is even harder. Glad you’re getting your evenings back, that makes so much difference doesn’t it? We’ve just lost ours
Xx
Ha – but at the time I wouldn’t have fast-forwarded for the world. Something very special about those newborn cuddles. xxx
This is a lovely honest post, Molly. It’s all so true. Relationships change so much when kids come along. So glad you are getting time together again now. That sounds like my perfect evening in with my bloke too. We also go through all the hard parts as well and one of the things that gets me through is talking to my friends and realising that it’s the same for lots of us. Wishing you an early happy birthday! x
YES! I think many of us are in the same boat. Good to talk about it and be honest eh? x
Sorry to disappoint but we didn’t like to tell you and your sister about the forthcoming Divorce…..ha…only kidding. Love ma x
MUM! x
Utterly written from the heart, it literally beats on it’s own. Beautiful.
Ah that means a lot Gem, thank you xx
Love you forevs Gem!
Lots I can identify with in this post. I think having a second baby, especially one who WOULD NOT go down in the evenings put so much more pressure on our marriage than we expected. We knew that the jump from one to two kids was going to be a big deal in terms of parenting but it just didn’t occur that it would make that much difference to our relationship. This has definitely been the most difficult year of our marriage. But it has been rewarding getting through that and realising that even if we sometimes fight and annoy each other, even if that first flush of excitement has matured into something else, we just wouldn’t trade this new thing that’s growing up between us. Thanks for hitting publish on this post and happy anniversary!
As ever, you’re so wise Adele. We were exactly the same. I remember most of my concerns before Baby Girl arrived would be how I would cope as a mother, not how we would cope as a couple. No one can prepare you for the whirlwind that a second baby can bring, all of that joy and tiredness and emotion mixed up with needing to keep things on an even keel for baby number one. You’re so right though, it’s an incredibly rewarding experience and I think it’s made us even tighter as a unit now we’ve got through it together – and with many smiles and laughs along the way! x
I love this post – it sounds like what you have is wonderful and real. Cherish it x
Real is definitely the word Emma! xxx
Even though I am not where I thought I’d be relationship-wise in life I still LOVE reading things like this. I still so believe in marriage (my parents just celebrated their 30th) and I really believe there is someone out there for me.
Reading this in bed I had to get out to get some loo roll and blow my nose ;), you can feel the love and it’s gorgeous xx
Ah thanks Alice! I’m a sucker for a bit of romance, although that doesn’t always go down well with my non-romantic husband! xxx
You’ve written this at a time when I really needed to be reminded that we need to work hard at marriage when things get tough. I’ve had a real week of wallowing because I only see Mr P for an hour a day thanks to his new long hours and I’m getting used to being a solo parent during the week. I need to snap out of it and remember that it won’t always be this hard & I need to focus on getting us all through this with as much of a smile as we can. Thank you Molly. This totes made me cry btw xx
Ah sorry for making you cry! It sounds like you’re coping really well, even though times aren’t always easy at the moment. For what it’s worth, I really believe that these trickier times make us stronger as a couple in the end (yeah – I sound like Oprah!). Hope things get a bit more on an even keel for you guys soon. xxx
Ah this is so lovely Molly. We found the first year after Tiger’s arrival so hard too, it felt like we were just working together doing all the jobs that needed to be doing around the house and for the kids. By the evening I had a baby stuck to my boob all night and we were too tired to even speak to each other. It was so so hard! But after that first year things do get so much better, just having that time together again without any disruptions. Happy Anniversary! xx
I think it’s only now we’re starting to come out of that side of the baby phase that I can look back and realise just how hard it was at times! xx